Groucho Marx Quotes

Various sources

• A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
• A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
• A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.
• A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
• A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
• A moose is an animal with horns on the front of it's head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it.
• A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
• Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
• All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
• Anybody who doesn't like this book is healthy.
• Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
• Behind every successful man is a woman… Behind her is his wife.
• Bloods’ not thicker than money.
• Budget: a way of going broke methodically.
• But what makes wage slaves? Wages!
• Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made.
• Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?
• Don’t look now but I think there’s one too many is this room right now, and I think it’s you.
• Don’t point that beard at me – it might go off.
• Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped. (taking someone’s pulse)
• Ever since they found out that Lassie was a boy, the public has believed the worst about Hollywood.
• From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.+
• Go, and never darken my towels again.
• He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
• Heifer cow is better than none, but this is no time for puns.
• He's so full of alcohol, if you put a lighted wick in his mouth he'd burn for three days.
• Hello, I must be going.
• Here’s to our wives and girlfriends – may they never meet!
• How do you feel about women’s rights? I like either side of them.
• How would you like to feel the way she looks?
• Humor is reason gone mad.
• I can see you in the kitchen bending over a hot stove, and I can't see the stove.
• I can’t understand why you don’t get any mail from me. Perhaps it’s because I haven’t been writing.
• I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: We were both crazy about girls.
• I could dance with you till the cows come home… on second thought, I’ll dance with the cows till you come home.
• I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
• I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
• I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.
• I drink to make other people interesting.
• I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately, the resemblance doesn't end there.
• I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
• I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
• I have nothing but confidence in you. And very little of that.
• I hope they bury me near a strait man.
• I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago. I shot my broker.
• I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you came along.
• I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip.
• I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
• I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
• I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.
• I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
• I think you've got something there, but I'll wait outside until you clean it up.
• I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
• I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
• I wish you’d keep my hands to yourself.
• I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
• I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but I found it too unwieldy.
• Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water!
• If I hold you any closer I’ll be in back of you. OR If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
• If you fall out of that window and break both your legs, don't come running to me.
• If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.
• In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.
• It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all.
• It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
• It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
• I'd have thrashed him to within an inch of his life, but I didn't have a tape measure.
• I'll never forget my wedding day... they threw vitamin pills.
• I'll see you at the opera tonight. I'll hold your seat till you get there. After that, you're on your own.
• I'm gonna put extra blankets, free, in all your rooms, and there'll be no cover charge.
• I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
• I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
• I've been around so long I can remember Doris Day before she was a virgin.
• I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
• I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
• I’ve known and respected your husband for many years, and what’s good enough for him is good enough for me.
• I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down.
• Jail is no place for a young fellow. There's no advancement.
• Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry, and you're probably watching the wrong channel.
• Look, if you don’t like my parties, you can leave in a huff. If that’s too soon, leave in a minute and a huff. If you can’t find that, you can leave in a taxi.
• Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.
• Madam, you're making history, in fact, you're making me, and I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself.
• Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
• Marriage is wonderful institution... if, of course, you like living in an institution.
• Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
• Middle age is when you go to bed at night and hope you feel better in the morning. Old age is when you go to bed at night and hope you wake up in the morning.
• Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
• Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
• Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.
• My brother thinks he's a chicken - we don't talk him out of it because we need the eggs.
• My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.
• My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.
• Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
• No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
• Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here.
• Oh are you from Wales? Do you know a fella named Jonah? He used to live in whales for a while.
• Oh, why can't we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean flee to my lodge in the hills.
• One morning I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How he got into my pyjamas I'll never know.
• Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
• Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
• Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.
• Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
• Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
• Remember, we're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably far more than she's ever done!
• Room service? Send up a larger room.
• Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put 'Emily, I love you' on the back of the bill.
• She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
• She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the live of the party.
• She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything. That's why she's in love with me.
• Sir, are you trying to offer me a bribe? How much?
• Take two turkeys, one goose, four cabbages, but no duck, and mix them together. After one taste, you'll duck soup for the rest of your life.
• The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
• The only game I like to play is 'Old Maid', providing she's not too old.
• The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
• There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.
• There's one thing I want to do before I quit... Retire.
• There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.
• Thirteen at a table is unlucky only when the hostess has only twelve chops.
• Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
• Three years ago I came to Florida without a nickel in my pocket. Now I've got a nickel in my pocket.
• Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. So just what ARE time flies, and why do they fly like an ARROW?
• Time wounds all heels.
• We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed… But we're going back next week.
• Whatever it is I'm against it.
• When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said "I was just whispering in her mouth".
• When I invite a woman to dinner I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay.
• Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
• Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
• Why don't you bore a hole into your head and let the sap run out?
• Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
• Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
• Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
• Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first.
• With a little study you'll go a long ways, and I wish you'd start now.
• Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
• Women should be obscene and not heard.
• Yes, darling, let me cover your face with kisses… On second thought, just let me cover your face.
• You are going Uruguay, and I'm going my way.
• You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women cold and I'm hot under the collar.
• You get a canoe later and I'll paddle you.
• You have to get up early if you want to get out of bed.
• You haven't stopped talking since we got here! You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle!
• You know, I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?
• You're a woman who's been getting nothing but dirty breaks. Well, we can clean and tighten your brakes, but you'll have to stay in the garage all night.
• You're heading for a breakdown. Why don't you pull yourself to pieces.
• You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, and that's not saying much for you.
• You've forgotten those June nights at the Riviera... the night I drank champagne from your slipper - two quarts. It would had been more but you were wearing inner soles.
• You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.
• "Do you believe in computer dating?" Groucho: "Only if the computers really love each other."
• Housewife: “I have seven children.” Groucho: "Seven? That many?" Housewife: "Well, I love my husband." Groucho: "I love my cigar, too, but I take it out once in a while."
• “This is a gala day for you.” Groucho: “Well, a gal a day is enough for me. I don’t think I could handle any more.”
• Groucho: “Well whadaya say girls? Are we all gonna get married? Woman: “All of us? But that’s bigamy!”
  Groucho: “Yes, and it’s big-a-me too.”